Scott and I have been married for 4+ years. After the first year married in 2007 we decided to try for a baby. Like most couples we thought it would be easy. I mean people get pregnant all the time without trying!
9 months later, we got the BIG FAT PREGNANT (BFP)! We so happy. But sadly it ended as quickly as it began. And we were left where we started, and back to trying again.
Two years later, we got another BFP! And that ended like the first. Then again two months later, BFP. That ended even faster.
I am sharing this because if you have never been through infertility you have no idea. Sadly, it is not something you share openly but more importantly it is not something people really want to hear.
During the three years we struggled with trying to have a baby, people said really dumb things but the one that stands out the most was when people would ask us “So when are you planning to have a family?”
This question implies so much that I have a hard time even figuring out where to start.
I will start with my favorite response- unload all our struggles on them. Most of the time, they weren’t close enough to me (or us) to feel comfortable hearing about me losing a baby and having to get a shot to end the pregnancy on our four year anniversary. They would take a step back and look very uncomfortable. I mean they asked, did they think they were asking about the weather? Did they really want to hear how many tears I cried coming to terms with the concept that I might not have a child and, well right before we got the last BFP, coming to terms with it. Better yet me crying right then and there. I am not sure what answer they really thought they would receive.
Next, it implies that I don’t have a family. I do have a family. And to be honest I have the best time with my Husband. Sure a kiddo would be a super great addition, but to imply that I am not a family is down right rude. Lots of people have kids but still lack a family.
Also this question implies that I want a “family” or what they really mean is want kids. Not everyone wants them. And in that vain, not everyone can have them (insert my first response about all our issues).
So here enters my public service announcement– Are there better ways to ask the question about kids? Yes, “Do you want kids?” Take out judgement, such as “You aren’t getting any younger!” But if you ask it, be prepared to get the truth about miscarriages, infertility, heartbreak. You are not asking about the weather!